Ground Rules
by Dr. Cory Pearce
OC Christian Counseling
Ever wonder why God gave us Ten Commandments?
It’s not as if there aren’t more than ten good rules. In the three chapters from Romans 12 to Romans 14, I once counted something like 42 rules or commands for having a good life.
At the same time, we also know those rules can be boiled down to two: Love your neighbor as yourself and love God with everything you’ve got.
The answer is that when we have too many rules we get overwhelmed. When we have too few, the rules become so broad that it’s hard to figure what to do or not do as we go through our lives.
That’s kind of the idea of giving your kids Ground Rules.
Like the Ten Commandments, Ground Rules are the basic rules. They are not open for discussion, negotiation, or modification. When your child violates a Ground Rule, the consequence must ensue. Immediately.
How does a child know what the Ground Rules are?
Well, like Moses, you the parent come down off the mountain and declare what they are in a way that no one can miss. Maybe you won’t need scorching fire behind you or stone tablets in your hands as you walk into your child’s room, but I can tell you it couldn’t hurt. You tell your child what those rules are, and what the consequence will be, in no uncertain terms.
Normally, good parents give their kids a warning about consequences: “Johnny, if you don’t stop playing with your peas, you’re not going to get any dessert.” That’s good parenting.
Here’s an example of bad parenting: “Johnny, if you don’t stop pounding on your sister’s head, you’re going to your room.” Whether or not to stop pounding your sister’s head doesn’t require a warning. Johnny lays a finger on one lock of her raven hair and consequences are coming. Save your warnings for small and temporary rules like, oh, finishing tonight’s spelling homework before playing a video game.
For Ground Rules to work, you can’t have a lot of them. Remember, kids (especially small kids) are learning civilized behavior at the same time their learning to, oh, walk, run, chew, speak in sentences, program the Wii…that’s a lot to do! It can be tough to remember where to put your toothbrush when your fingers are still having making the toothbrush work in the first place.
Count on two Ground Rules for everyone: No violence. No defiance/disrespect of authority figures. You’ll have to spell out for little children what things are considered violent (hitting, spitting, biting, etc.) and defiance (calling parents names or blatantly yelling no). You’ll have to spell out to yourself the things that are not violence (simply throwing a ball in the house, for instance) and are not disrespect (moving too slowly when going to bed). If everything falls under a Ground Rule, then really you don’t have rules at all.
You should probably stick to around five Ground Rules. What the other three are really depends on what you can tolerate and what your child’s particular problems are. If you can’t take balls being thrown in the house, make that a Ground Rule. If your child puts food on the floor all the time, then make that a Ground Rule. But remember, once a Ground Rule is made, the consequence must be applied.
Finally, rewarding kids for good behavior is good parenting. But no one gets rewards for following Ground Rules. The Ground Rules are simply expected.
We live by grace, but God gave us a few basic rules to help train us up for it. In his wisdom, he boiled it down to just a few, and they’ve guided human behavior for century upon century. Setting up Ground Rules is a good rule to go by.
Dr. Cory Pearce
Contact info:
Dr. Cory Pearce
OC Christian Counseling
800.705.6223
