Learn to help couples identify their strengths and growth areas in categories such as Communication, Conflict Resolution, Spiritual Beliefs, and Financial Management.
The PREPARE/ENRICH Facilitator Certification Workshop is designed to help facilitators learn how to administer the PREPARE/ENRICH customized inventories and provide feedback to premarital and married couples using six core and over 20 supplemental exercises.
Unless you have been living in a cave, you have probably heard about Tim Tebow, quarterback for the Denver Broncos. He has been a polarizing figure because of his forthcoming and conspicuous admission of his faith in Jesus Christ. Some have complimented his public displays of faith, while others, even Christians, have insulted and demeaned him for the same reason. Although his season has come to an end, I thought it would be fun to share what I think are some of Tim Tebow’s best attributes.
Although Tim Tebow can be a controversial figure, I am sure that we can applaud him for these Godly traits and root for him, even if you are not a fan of the Broncos, to have a positive effect on the lives of others.
The image of a man and a woman dancing together in three-quarter time is the best metaphor for (and experience of) a romantic relationship as it should be.
More specifically, a couple dance provides much of the information we need in order to understand what makes a romantic relationship work well. The man takes the lead, and the woman follows. He guides and protects her. She influences him, even as she admires him … and makes him look good to anyone who’s watching.
Leadership
I’ve included one of my favorite waltz videos here. There are so many couples on the dance floor it’s hard to imagine how they keep twirling around without crashing into one another. That is, unless you realize that each pair has only one leader.
It’s the man’s job to protect his partner from other couples on the floor, and to guide her steps as they swish and swirl in time to the music. If the woman starts criticizing what he’s doing or pulling him in a different direction, it will be impossible for him to take responsibility for the dance.
As Christian women, most of us have been taught that the man is to be the leader in the family. In reality, women have been running the show for a long time now. Let’s face it. We can make it through life without a man. But can we really live the life we desire?
Yes, we can survive. But in taking charge, we miss the beauty of what God intended our relationships to be. We not only make it impossible for our man to lead, but we deny what every girl’s heart longs for.
Every girl wants three things from the man she loves.
She wants him to protect her, to guide her, and to hold her. And as the leader, he was designed by God to do just that!
1. Protect Me
Men are designed to protect us. It’s a fact of life that men are bigger and stronger than women. And they have this wonderful quality about them: much much much high testosterone levels. Women’s bodies produce testosterone, too, but far far less of it than men do … without giving it a thought.
However, this very fact can make us afraid of them. When we feel intimidated or threatened by a man, we use the only surefire weapon we have: our words. And given that men are sensitive to us, our words usually work to “cut him down to size.” Not a bad thing if he’s the enemy. But if he’s our partner in life, we’ve just made it impossible for him to protect us.
2. Guide Me
Okay, this one may be hard for us to admit. But don’t we really wish someone knew the answers? And don’t we wish it was our man who knew? We love it when he solves a problem for us … and he does, too! His brain was made to solve problems, so you’re actually helping him fulfill his purpose in life when you let him guide. It’s very satisfying to a man when he can win in this way … finding a workable solution that makes life better for others.
However, guys get a bump rap for trying to solve our problems for us. Sometimes we just want them to listen (see #3 below). If that’s what we need, all we have to do is tell him that up front. Most guys are happy to provide whatever will make us happy, but we have to be specific about what we want … because guys don’t think like we do … at all!
3. Hold Me
This one is probably the most important of the three things a woman desires from the man she loves. And it happens while you dance. (Maybe that’s why I love waltzing so much!) Women not only want to be touched, but they want to be held … lovingly, caringly, respectfully. Research shows that being held by someone you love will dramatically reduce anxiety in a matter of minutes! We’ve all seen an anxious toddler benefit from being scooped up and held by a loving parent. As adults, we’re no different. We all need to be held sometimes. And women need it every day!
We’re vulnerable creatures, but we often don’t feel safe enough to admit it. We often get a bump rap by being called “needy” … especially by men. And we hate that. So we’d rather not say how we’re feeling … or ask to be comforted, reassured, held.
And that’s really, really sad. Because a man loves (and receives measurable emotional and psychological benefits) from holding the woman he cares for. If he only knew that’s what you needed … Most of the time, he just thinks he’s screwed something up and that you would like to have him beheaded.
What can you do to assure that your partner will protect you, guide you, and hold you?
First, he needs to know that you are following him, even if he’s not a very seasoned leader. A man can never become a really great leader if no one is willing to follow him. In a word, he needs you to submit to his leadership. Submission really means that you trust and respect him. It does not mean that you follow him blindly and without feedback.
Second, he needs your feedback. Both Scripture and research show that men need to be open to the influence of their wives. Otherwise, they’re doomed to failure. However, your feedback must not be in the form of criticism, attack, blame, or advice. What he desperately needs to know is what he is doing right … what pleases you … what makes you happy. Give him that, and he will pull out all the stops to make you even more pleased and more happy.
Finally, he needs you to help him look good to anyone who’s watching. He’ll stand taller and work harder than you ever thought possible. And he’ll love doing it … for you!
A couple of final thoughts …
Remember that the man you fell in love with is still in there … no matter what you may be going through right now. He longs to be your best friend, your protector, your guide, and your comfort. Let him be those things for you.
And remember to have fun together. That’s what best friends do! Sharing laughter and memories will strengthen your emotional bond and help you make it through the tough times.
Experience the Romance of Ephesians 5
Some people struggle with a philosophical question: what is the role of sex in marriage? Historically, sex has been seen as simply the means for procreation and building a family. But in a modern context where contraception is used to prevent procreation, we have to ask whether sex serves another function. So the real question is, other than creating babies, does sex accomplish anything else and, if so, are these things good?
To answer the first part of the question, we simply need to pay attention to the experiences of people who have sex. The most obvious experience in sex is pleasure – sex feels good for many people. On this note, it is hard to argue that there would be anything wrong with having sex for pleasure, except in the case where the sexual experience is worshipped and given too much importance. In that extreme situation, people place sexuality before developing a deep relationship with God and pursuing growth in their character. Although we worship God with our bodies, sex does not constitute the full scope of a spiritual experience.
The second experience, sometimes less obvious, is that sex is capable of creating a bond between two people. Sex involves a shared vulnerability between two people that results in feeling connected. Particularly for women, the hormone oxytocin, also called the cuddle hormone, can be released during orgasm leading to this feeling. In the case of a non-committed relationship, a break in this bond can be incredibly painful, as if actually severing a limb, and is a major factor in why God discourages sex outside of marriage. Within a marriage, however, sex can be a protective factor in the relationship that helps two people feel close to one another even when emotionally they may feel occasionally distant.
As I see it, the role of sex in marriage is threefold: to build a family, to bring forth enjoyment, and to form a strong bond. Sex is a magnificent gift from God that we ought to enjoy!
He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord. ~ Proverbs 18:22
Men always say they are simple, and I always argue that they’re not. What makes men complicated – at least in part – is that they never ask for what they need. Well, almost never.
Most men assume that women know what they need and are disappointed when we don’t respond well to them. They forget we think like a girl.
Women assume that men think like women and need the same things as women. We do have similar needs, but there are some very important differences. And men think like boys. They always will.
The first thing a man needs from a woman is affection. And if he’s married, he needs sex. Sex and physical affection tell a man that he is loved and wanted in ways that words could never express.
Women believe men only want “one thing.” However, one of the most common complaints I hear from men is that “she never touches me anymore.” They’re not talking about sex. They’re talking about touch. Incidental non-sexual touch. It’s a sign of affection, and we all need it. But men don’t get that sort of affection from women because women often misunderstand how much it means to them … and that it’s not all about sex for men. It’s about love.
Now please forgive me as I use words to express how words are not enough in the words of song writers Nuno Bettancourt and Gary Cherone:
Saying I love you
Is not the words I want to hear from you
It’s not that I want you
Not to say, but if you only knew
How easy it would be to show me how you feel
More than words is all you have to do to make it real
Then you wouldn’t have to say that you love me
‘Cause I’d already knowWhat would you do if my heart was torn in two
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say if I took those words away
Then you couldn’t make things new
Just by saying I love youMore than words
Now that I’ve tried to talk to you and make you understand
All you have to do is close your eyes
And just reach out your hands and touch me
Hold me close don’t ever let me go
More than words is all I ever needed you to show
Then you wouldn’t have to say that you love me
‘Cause I’d already knowWhat would you do if my heart was torn in two
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say if I took those words away
Then you couldn’t make things new
Just by saying I love youMore than words
Tomorrow, I’ll tell you the second thing men need from women …
Join me live this Saturday for Frogs & Princes: Understanding the Psychology of Men. If you live in Southern California, and you would like to attend in person, let me know. Space is limited, so email me now.
Sexual intimacy in marriage is an important component in developing a secure relationship bond between a man and a woman. But there are a number of ways that sexuality can go wrong in a marriage. In general, people can go in two directions: sexual compulsion and sexual restriction. Sexual compulsion simply means someone who pursues sexual activities, ranging from forcing a partner to have sex to simply being the one who tends to ask for sex. On the other hand, sexual restriction can range from complete abstinence from any form of sexual expression to a lack of desire in sexuality. It helps to simply identify where you and your spouse might be on the continuum from sexual restriction to sexual compulsion. In some cases, the distance might be far off and in other cases you might both find yourselves at the same spot.
The next step is to gain a better understanding of how each of your attitudes toward sex developed. Of course, sexual compulsion can be the result of a biological predisposition towards having sex, but other influences include the media, past experiences with sex or sexual abuse, and addiction to sexual behavior. The precursors of being sexual restricted can also be biological, but often are heavily influenced by body image issues, a history of sexual abuse, and emotional or relational problems. If you take some time to reflect, individually and/or as a couple, you may find yourself having a better idea why you and your spouse have the attitudes toward sex that you do.
Finally, this knowledge needs to be applied to your marriage. In a healthy marriage, both spouses should know how the other partner feels about sexuality and how it relates to their feeling connected. Each should care deeply about how the other person has been hurt by their families, so-called friends, and by society in their sexual development. One primary goal in the marriage must be to develop the ability to feel how the other person feels, to be deeply empathic about the other person’s emotions. As a side note, although sexual compromise is nice, a focus on “meeting half-way” can be destructive when one person has a greater amount of pain than the other. Rather, forming a deep desire to surrender one’s desires for the sake of loving the other ought to be the aim. If done whole-heartedly, this attitude is so much more rewarding than sexual intimacy.
Some questions to consider:
How far separated are we on our attitudes towards sexual intimacy? If we are far apart, have I grown resentful towards my partner or have I loved him or her the way they are? If we are close together, do we both still need to have healing in our sexuality? How can I build intimacy in our relationship through non-sexual means? How can I build intimacy through sexual means?
If sexuality is a concern in your marriage, consider speaking with a couple’s therapist. Although it may sometime be an embarrassing issue to discuss, couple’s therapists are trained to help partners work together to bring healing to the relationship, which often leads to a more satisfying sexual experience.
Internet porn has become an epidemic that has taken hold of Christian and non-Christian alike. In this informative presentation designed to be helpful for those who know someone who struggles with pornography, as well as those who themselves struggle, Dr. Curtis Lehmann addresses how people become enslaved to pornography and offers real suggestions about how to break the chains. Looking at both psychological and spiritual factors, he paints a picture that allows you to feel greater compassion for those who get tangled up in pornography, while also reflecting on the tremendous toil that addiction to pornography can cause on spouses, families, and the community. Through it all, Dr. Lehmann suggests there is hope and healing for those who are affected by bondage to pornography.
Dr. Curtis Lehmann is available to speak to your church or group on this very timely topic. You may contact him at 800.705.6223, Ext. 102, or via email.
Dr. Curtis Lehmann
Have you been spending your day rushing from one thing to another? Sometimes we tend to fly through life so quickly that we hardly notice we are missing wonderful things. In the next few days, I would like to lead you in a few meditations meant to help you reawaken your awareness to the world you live in.
Look for the nearest window. Open the blinds or actually step outside if you need to or want to. Focus on something natural, something alive. It might be a flower, a tree, a bird, or even just the grass. Allow yourself to marvel at God’s creation. Imagine God creating that life with a stroke of a brush or with a sculptor’s chisel against clay. Notice any so-called imperfections in that life. Then notice how even the imperfections can be beautiful. You may even want to thank God for bringing that life to your attention. For the rest of your day, see if you can notice God’s creation this way again.
January 20, 2012 (Friday)
He Said, She Said: An Integrative Model for Couple Therapy
Psychologists or BBS: 6 CE Credits*
Presenter: Debi Smith, PsyD, PSY21711
Time: 9 am – 4 pm
Location: Newsong Church, Irvine
Cost: $145 + $25 CE Fee
Note: Register by December 1, save $40
Target Audience: Couples Counselors
Skill Level: Intermediate, Advanced
Cancellation Policy: Registration fees will be refunded less a $25 fee for cancellations received by January 5.
Special Needs: Please contact OCCC by phone at 800.705.6223 prior to the event if you have any special needs due to disabilities.
Directions: Google Map to Newsong Church
Course Description
Most therapists have little formal training in working with couples, so it’s no wonder that consumers often conclude that couples therapy doesn’t work (Doherty, 2002). Based on the findings of scientific research, an integrative model that includes assessment, intervention, and outcome measures that are all clearly articulated to clients not only improves the therapist’s effectiveness with couples, but also increases public trust in the efficacy of couples treatment. This presentation will (a) explore instruments used for the initial assessment of relationships, (b) offer a brief, integrative model for therapeutic intervention that respects gender differences, and (c) provide efficient methods for measuring the outcome of treatment.
Learning Objectives
This workshop is designed to help you:
Workshop Schedule
| 8:30 – 9:00 am | Check-in and Late Registrations |
| 9:00 – 10:30 am | Introduction Inital Assessment |
| 10:30 – 10:45 am | Break |
| 10:45 am – 12:00 pm | Interventions: Part I |
| 12:00 – 1:00 pm | Lunch Break |
| 1:00 – 2:30 pm | Interventions: Part II |
| 2:30 – 2:45 pm | Break |
| 2:45 – 4:00 pm | Measuring Outcomes Consolidation Conclusions |
Continuing Education Credits
Continuing Education (CE) credits for mental health professionals are being offered through PsychoEducational Resources, Inc. (PER).
Psychologists
Participants may earn 6 CE credits for this workshop.PsychoEducational Resources, Inc. (PER) is approved by the American Psychological Association to sponsor continuing education for psychologists. PER maintains responsibility for this program and its content.
BBS
Course meets the qualifications for 6 hours of continuing education credit for MFTs, LPCCs, LEPs and/or LCSWs as required by the California Board of Behavioral Sciences Provider # PCE 203).To receive CE credit you must attend the entire six hour presentation. Therefore, be sure to sign in at the beginning and at the end of the presentation and complete the evaluation. CE certifications will be mailed to you within 4-6 weeks of the workshop.
PER maintains responsibility for this program and its content.
For additional CE information please call PER at 800-892-9249 or e-mail support@per-ce.net.
What if you could start your new life together
with more answers than questions?
Your marriage is one of the most important and satisfying relationships you’ll ever have. And like any quality relationship, to get a lot out of it, you have to put a lot into it. A successful marriage takes an investment of time, effort, and a commitment to your partner and to the relationship.
It takes trust, honesty, sharing your goals and dreams, and understanding each other’s values and outlooks on life. It also requires good listening skills, having an open mind, and a whole list of other qualities that are sometimes overlooked.
One of the keys is healthy communication. But how do you bring up difficult topics? How do you create a safe environment for open discussion? How to you listen in an understanding and loving way? How do you encourage those heart-to-heart conversations that are so key to really understanding your partner?
Build a strong, happy marriage through Premarital Counseling.
The PREPARE/ENRICH Program is a proven tool, scientifically developed to help couples stimulate honest, open dialogue about some of the most difficult subjects to discuss. Using our assessment tools, you’ll find it easier to understand your partner and create a deeper, healthier relationship, and sustain it over the years to come.
How does the program work?
You begin by taking the PREPARE/ENIRCH Inventory online to identify your current strengths and growth areas as a couple. You’ll then meet with Ylena, who will provide feedback to help you understand your results, as well as teach you important relationship skills during six 45-minute sessions. From beginning to end, the program is designed to be comfortable, relaxed, and even fun!
NOTE: As you prepare for your Wedding, you’re going to get really busy, so we recommend you begin Premarital Counseling about three months before your Wedding Date.
During Premarital Counseling, you will:
How much does Premarital Counseling cost?
We’re all about building strong marriages, so we offer this customized 6-week program with a professionally-trained counselor, for only $299.00 (plus $29.95 for the PREPARE/ENRICH Inventory).
Ready to get started? Click here to register now.
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